The Hawk Beach 7:40pm
I’ve made it to The Guzzle
on one night of less than solid sleep
but adequate
for a first day out
with My Ex Cousin-in-law —
a loose black dog came up behind
as I began My Beach Walk
and for the first time
I was not
terrified
The Hawk Deck 4:04pm
Since that first spring of 1993
with a ten-minute diagnosis of schizophrenia
crowning My Head after My Mother’s Death
and a summer’s hospitalisation for depression
when a psychiatric nurse tried to assure Me
“There will be other summers” —
how could She have known
there wouldn’t be a straight one
until now, twenty-three years later,
when My Second Husband
allows Me to throw
My Bed-thrashing Knees
across His Hip
in the dead of night
and reads My Extensive Medical Records
on His Lunch Break
to find out what happened?
The Hawk TV Room 8:46am
I have added one line to “Just How Bad Was I?” Since I have been off the anti-psychotic medication Olanzapine for one month, and over the devastating effects of drug-induced psychosis which I had unknowingly been under for the duration of My “psychiatric history” of twenty-three years — I have only the beginnings of realization as to how much this has not only affected my life, but my writing and art. I have sincere appreciation for your readership.
Thank you,
Joanna
The Hawk Beach 2:57pm
My Father never had Me
or when He did
He pimped Me off
or felt the need
to collect Me from sleepless
hotel rooms —
His Best Hope for Me
(My Brother He had given up on)
was to say,
“You are in ‘Recovery'”
Well — if He could see Me NOW
down by The Guzzle
in The South Wind of July
sitting in The Sand of My Achievement
He might come down from Heaven
or where ever He ended up
and shake My Hand
and send Me on My Way
The Hawk Deck 12:05pm
On this very beautiful day
in July
just how bad was I
when I insisted to My Husband
on December 18
that I go back to the hospital
dressed in a black negligee
bare feet
and bullet proof vest?
Just how bad was I
when My Children came home
that Christmas
and left My House?
I was on
a double dose of Olanzapine
the poison I have been off
now for one month
of nearly halcyon existence
I need My Children —
They can help Me change
the music in My Car
from Joy Division and Future Islands
to something new and cogent
The Hawk Window Seat 7:40am
On this one month anniversary
since seeing My Good Morning Rainbow
and stopping the poisoning of My Brain
I have woken up to The Pair
of Cow Birds
on My Car Mirror —
the first I have seen
of Her
The Hawk West Desk Window 8:11pm
By this time tomorrow
We’ll have a chorus of cat bells
around the necks of five nude cats
(one hunter has two bells already)
after the fact
of one tiny yellow bird leg
a gut the size of a dime
and three yellow feathers
left by Somebody
on My Sacred Deck
The Hawk Kitchen Outpost 8:4am
A pristine line of Silver
augments My Grey Horizon
I woke this morning @ 3:30
and took a Melatonin and Gravol
and slept from 5:00 to 7:00
ignoring the scratching of cats
to put the coffee on
@ 8:00
My Doctor/Husband has My Pile of Medical Records
from The Yarmouth Regional Psych Unit
spread out on His Library Floor
The Hawk Kitchen Outpost 4:30pm
I have come through
an oven of madness
I have been broiled
and poked
for The Life of My Daughter
for My Son since He was five
when I made a pact
with My Self
that I would never feel
the pain of the loss
of My Mother
and found instead
the love that sustained Me
through My Temperature Gage
of Molten Silver
and Highest Reverie
I have spoken
of My Vile Nature
black with burnt offerings
of Salvation
for The Masses
yet to come
I am out
on the table
for dinner with My Starving Family
My Ex Husband I loved
in the sun
of Our First House,
a tiny one
I am out,
reposing
to be eaten now
with Mint Jelly
from the shady side
of My Mother’s Well
The Hawk Queen Bed 9:12am
Last night I dreamed
all night it seemed
of a car being repaired
with trays of crystalline candy
delivered by a female mechanic
to the body of the vehicle
My Brain?
outside My Bedroom Window —
an exhausting dream
but necessary
for My Most Restorative Sleep
Joanna Gilman Hyde 