The Hawk Queen Bed 9:07am
In The Depths of Depression
sunk inside a psychiatric unit
I would wait through each day
until I could ready My Self for bed
take My “Meds” at 9:00
put on My Pyjamas
& try to sleep
only to have to face the morning
& the same old Hellish repeat
–
Here On The Hawk
I Put On My Pyjamas
Relaxed
& Go To Bed With My Husband
& Rise Happy
To Check On My Painting
& Drink Our Morning Coffee
The Tomato-coloured Couch 5:00pm
On This Day in 1991
I was told My Mother wouldn’t live
through the spring
I vowed to My Self
I would not feel the pain
of Her Loss
I kept My Vow
The Hawk Deck 10:50am
Since March 31, 1993
I have been in a perpetual state
of Illumination
broken only by the depression
yet even then I retained the memory
of The Shower Of Silver Lights
which follow Me religiously
as I follow Them
to where I am Today
sitting in My Red Deck Chair
in the calm of early Autumn
under The Halo
of Our Existence
shining through a murky sky
The Tomato-coloured Couch 3:45pm
Long ago & far away
I was housed in a place
I did not want to be
I did not want to be
& so I was stationed
in an artificial unit
of nurses, doctors & cafeteria food
for weeks at a time
yet I have no memory of what day
or year, I got out
it doesn’t really matter
that I cannot recall
the end of that terrible time —
all that matters now
is that I am happy
& I DO want to live —
My Life is full
in This Glorious Place
The Tomato-coloured Couch 2:55pm
I cannot lay My Self down
upon My Tomato-coloured Couch
I cannot —
I must sit here & write
& let the Ativan do its trick
I will drink My Tea
& not think of the years
of wasting away in beds
on couches, brown, green
& white
The Hawk Deck 7:47pm
All That I Have Lived For
Is Wrapped Up In This Moment
As I Am Wrapped In My Heavy Grey Bathrobe
With The Spears Of Light Forever Above Me
And All Down Around Me
How Have I Gotten This Far?
Through A Child’s Adoration Of A Pair
Of Love Birds To A Mother’s Love
Of Her Dearest 2.4’s
The Evening Light Is Upon The East
Illuminating The Scrub Spruce Forest
And I Have Come This Far
The Tomato-coloured Couch 6:11pm
Hanging above My Front Door
is a sign
a command which reads:
“VIVRE”
a word I take to heart
for I have nearly died
The Tomato-coloured Couch 6:55pm
Who gave Me This Life
where I can write
poetry all day
& look out the windows —
Who gave Me This Place
filled with birds
& house dust
lint balls I don’t have
to examine to see
They’re nothing more
than Galaxies —
Who gave Me This Start
out of the ebb
of hospitalizations
straddled between
two husbands, a dead mother
& The Love Of A Puny Man
I somehow see
as Heroic?
The Tomato-coloured Couch 6:41pm
I was once walled in
by plexi-glass & counter tops
filing cabinets & indoor-outdoor carpeting
My Performance of trying to live or die
was put on display
& written about in nurses’ journals
I was made to eat food
I could not taste
& made to shower
when all I wanted to do
was drown in the tub
Now I Am Here
on The Hawk where the only wall
makes up My Kitchen Glass Doors:
They Slide Open
I Can Walk Through
To The Outside
To The Bird Calls
Of Life
The Tomato-coloured Couch 5:30pm
I once looked in a mirror
in My Private Bath
behind My Room
at The Yarmouth Regional Psych Unit
to see a face
I did not recognize:
slouched, forlorn, perplexed
The Face I See Now
in the multiple mirrors
of Our Hawk House
is MY FACE
Joanna Gilman Hyde 